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[11 Jun 2008|02:51pm] |
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oh my god oh my god oh my god I can't sleep. As in, every night around 11 or 12, which is pretty early I guess, I start to feel way exhausted and like it's time to go to bed, around 1 or 2 I realize I have either woken up or have just been lying in bed awake this whole time, get upset, maybe make phone calls, draw or make music a little bit but mostly read until around 4 or 5, then I wake up around 8, still very tired and unhappy to be awake. I get out of bed around 9, eat something and am maybe a little bit productive until around 11, when I realize oh my god I'm still so so tired and try to take a nap and it doesn't work. This seems to have been going on, and getting worse and worse, I think since around whenever I moved into this house, I guess that was the beginning of june? no, it was the middle of may. And i feel totally shot, physically and mentally, barely capable of doing anything except drawing this one really elaborate picture for butthole magazine, (which is almost done and going to be amazing). This is really really frustrating. And I need a job. and it's hard to get a job when you can barely think and have no physical energy. I mean I guess I need to try sleeping pills but i want to be able to function, right now, I want my body to work right.
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[15 May 2008|09:41pm] |
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mood |
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i need a job and there's one that i can probably have but not until june and then im a little bit scared of it and also stuff i need to do in the nearer future than that but it is unclear. The problem is that I'm really picky about jobs because in the last year i've pretty much only had jobs that fell into my lap and were amazing, but i've spent a lot of time unemployed also and having too much free time makes it harder to use it productively and doesnt feel good.
I am moving soon, to alana and eleanor and marcia and aminas house and that is going to be really good I think
I am making a sculpture for the first time in a while and it is very big and wanting to make sculptures feels like its a really rediculous condition. not the worst condition i have. probably the strangest. i mean come on what are you doing kate, get a job. no i cant i need to spend like upwards of ten hours gluing little pieces of paper together and feeling a little like a zombie. what is it? im not going to tell you.
i tried not to hit a pedestrian the other day only they wouldnt move so i swerved and hit them and fell real bad and am really lucky i didnt break any of my bones or my head with no helmet or die but it really shook me up and made me feel all weird and easily startled and then there was a show at my house
i am going to move and things are going to change soon i just know it
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[08 Mar 2008|03:32am] |
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Something sort of awful happened, and it pushed my life back into a dynamic where there are high highs and low lows rather than everything just feeling sort of ok and unfocused. i feel happy and interested about being alive. and a bit lonely. I've been waking up at 6 in the morning, which rules. i'm much better at early in the morning than late at night, and right now, at 3:37, maybe it is on the verge of transitioning from late at night to early morning? after not really drinking coffee for over a month because someone told me it would give me magic powers i had 3 cups today and ive spent most of the night awake and jittery and largely incapable of being productive. what will happen if i just right now take a shower, eat something and start my day? (I've been taking showers all the time lately, who would have seen that coming..) I'm still tired though.
I am officially going to prom.
Right now it is my job to decorate castles. It is a wonderful job and I will have it for one more week and then probably be glad that i don't have it anymore. I'll need another job then. sort of.
i wonder what it would be like to have someone where when you play chess with them you each lose and win roughly the same amount of the time. because usually it seems like it doesnt work that way, you either always win or always lose. Losing at chess is ok unless you are already upset for unrelated reasons, and then you are likely to make all sorts of mistakes and lose especially badly anyway.
oh my god i feel so nonfunctional right now, like i really need to sleep and take a shower and eat something all at the same time but like im not going to do any of those things except just sit there, and then maybe crawl back into bed but not sleep.
Also I need to figure out how i can play more shows. do you know how i can do that?
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[11 Oct 2007|01:01am] |
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music |
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i wish I was listening to neil young but im not |
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i moved to the fort. and i work a lot. I am being sort of a recluse right now. I just woke up from a scary dream. it was weird because usually waking up from bad dreams feels like a releif, but this one I kept thinking about for a little bit and the more I thought about it the scarier it got.
at work i make things with very very tiny details. lately I think I might be happiest at certain points at work, which sort of creeps me out.
at home try to work on the new cd I am making and don't make as much progress as I would like to. some. it is hard to make decisions. it is going to happen.
I am reading the lord of the flies and I'm close to the end and it is very captivating and very heavy.
there is a cat here named opie and I keep not noticing him and I tripped over him the other day and today accidentally stepped on his tail. He (he? she? he?) has a cataract in one eye which is all clouded over and I wonder do I not see him because some of his blindness somehow gets transferred over to me? can he see out of that eye?
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[09 Aug 2007|07:43pm] |
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I am curious:
what time does your job start in the morning? (if it does start in the morning, or doesnt.)
how long does it take you to get there?
what time do you wake up?
how many hours a day do you work?
what time do you get home?
around what time do you go to bed?
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[28 Jul 2007|03:08pm] |
our roomate hyacinth is quitting her job at whole foods and moving to london!
this means we need someone to sublet her room for the month of september!
you! or a friend of yours! or an enemy of yours possibly?
675! you get to hang out in a decent sized bedroom, with a window and 4 walls and everything unlike the other weirdo makeshift rooms that jordan and jessi and I live in, as well as our huge sunny living room and kitchen.
on the border of clinton hill and bedstuy which is where everyone cool lives. people will mistake you for a pratt student!
also, I need to move somewhere october 1st, when our lease ends. do you want to move somewhere with me? or can I move into your house?
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[24 Jun 2007|05:16am] |
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I am still awake
but I was not awake this whole time I went to bed relatively early
Today I went to the beach and remembered that I do not have to feel discouraged at all
It's pretty exciting and weird summer time and I have virtually no plans for the future.
the virtually no plans for the future being the exciting part, do you have any suggestions for what I should do? after I go away to upstate new york and come back in about a week.
my phone is sorta broken. so if you call me and I don't answer that's probably why.
the main thing that I should do is go to sleep but I don't feel like it. It's not about sleep right now it's about just sitting there. it's also not about getting another job right away.
one thing i learned from my last job (by listening to npr) is that some animals, like dolphins for example, only let half of their brains sleep at any one time.
Other things I learned from that job (helping to make costumes for theme park mascots) include:
9-5 sucks
there are good grocery stores in greenpoint
your own self interest, in this case specifically my ability to breathe, is more important than doing something just because it is expected of you
no one job is very important. I think I already knew that though
a bunch of useful tricks you can do with razorblades
being blind and then having your sight restored by surgery is difficult because when you are a little kid your brain learns to proccess the things you see and if you only start seeing when you are 40 years old or so perspective is going to make no sense, and you won't be able to read, or recognize the faces of people close to you. (this was also from npr)
respirators don't work that well. they don't make the air that clean and they make it so you get less of it. less air.
it is funny when you are able to pay your rent because of jimmy neutron
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[15 Apr 2007|04:13pm] |
hello
I was very very busy for a week, then I spent a week mostly going to work and sleeping and I guess trying to piece back together the energy I'd lost. Not sleeping a lot is better than sleeping a lot, even though it's neccessary sometimes and for a while it was nice because I decided I wasn't going to get mad at myself. Not getting mad at yourself's a pretty good policy. So is never getting sick.
My drawings are more complicated than they used to be.
I think I used up all my seratonin or something. It's lame. I'm just trying to keep drawing.
I quit my job because it's bad and I only have to go there for 2 more days. Not sure what happens after that.
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[23 Mar 2007|12:57pm] |
Hi!
in case I havent told you about it or you haven't seen it yet there's a show of my drawings at A&C art supply store which is 761 Metropolitain Ave which is right near the grahm stop on the L train and you should go go see it soon before it comes down at the end of the month. you like santa claus and birds and candy corns and happy faces and violence right? go!
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[22 Feb 2007|12:49am] |
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music |
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don lennon |
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I went for a nice walk today, and glued some things together, and melted some plastic.
At work I am distracted and marginally competent. I can be half-thinking about two entirely separate things at the same time, and it hit me today, after a long spell of feeling not amazed enough lately, even if the idea of human intelligence is a joke that no one ever even comes close to especially not me, being able to think at all is really really something.
stuff like that hardly seems worth pointing out because I know you know, but you forget too. Maybe you don't know. I feel very tired and there are various people I would like to reach out to but, not feeling quite up to a real conversation at the moment, lj once again proves itself to be just as good as humans for anything anything at all.
Brendan is coming to visit, thank goodness.
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[29 Jan 2007|06:46am] |
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Do you or someone you know want to live with me and jessi brooks and jordan fish in our appartment in Clinton Hill in Brooklyn? Our other roomate Tyler turned into a zombie bear and we were about to shoot him with a gun provided by a zombie bear defense kit made especially for this purpose, but at the last minute someone's mom intervened and put Tyler in a hospital where his life was saved by nanotechnology, leading to some debate as to whether or not science works better than magic. I'd like to think nanotechnology is made up and Tyler still is and was a zombie all along. But the point is for real Tyler isn't going to be living with us and we wish you would. or your friend. For Real!
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[17 Jan 2007|08:42pm] |
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i come back to new york the day after tommorrow, which feels very strange. I sort of feel like all of my skin is going to fall off. I haven't spent a significant amount of time by myself for almost 3 weeks, which feels crazy. Because it means there isnt much stopping and thinking here. Just braiding wires together. and turning a suitcase into a backpack. and huddling around space heaters. Sneaking doll parts into projects like it's highschool all over again. what else. working on a movie and working on basic issues relating to survival, pretty much. learned how to use rivets. and made a mold, without anyone holding my hand step by step, which felt like a sort of empowering coming of age experience. But that was maybe a week ago now. A lot of standing around not being sure what to do. A lot of listening to Junior Senior. Christmas lights. Everything being really filthy. Going to the Aquarium!! !!!! !!! Parrots are not fish but they were one of the best things there. I was wearing sort of the same colors and the yellow and blue ones and I looked at them for a long time and they looked at me.
I like it here I'm glad I came here and I'm happy to be going home too. Right now I'm scared to leave this room because it's cold outside, but I'm getting tired of the internet.
Also for awhile I was having these dreams that felt really important, as if they pertained to real life as much as the things that actually happened while I was awake did. It is possible to feel like youve fought and made up with someone before you've even said hello to them that day, and they have no idea.
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[09 Jan 2007|09:14pm] |
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a little sick but pretty good |
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out of pretty much nowhere I ended up going to New Orleans to live in a house with what seems like about 15 other people most of whom I'd never met before and work on a movie they are making. making objects for it. like a wheelbarrow made out of windows that will be used for transporting chickens. It is absurdly beautiful here and I feel very very far away from new york.
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[26 Dec 2006|09:28pm] |
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listless |
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ive been feeling sick for awhile. i'm getting really annoyed at it, and I feel like my brain isn't on my side. (sudden emotional attacks, feeling unmotivated, difficulty concentrating etc.) it's like all my energy, physical and otherwise, keeps pouring out of my nose, and i just have this vague idea that it wasn't always like this. like always i'm thinking in terms of things being cut up into smaller pieces (i have been told that this is wrong), and it struck me as worth noting that I was instinctually thinking of myself as consisting of a body and a mind and something else also--what is that other thing i identify with that my body and my mind seem to be attacking? thinking about out of body experiences. and playing games that are about trying to be more than one person. the idea of not being attatched to a body interests me and scares me. it's crazy how what you read will sneak up on you.
i am frustrated because i am not being very productive. by now i know being mad at myself wont do very much good, but i am always so afraid that there will be a point where i permanently stop making things. fear is such a weird motivator. movies too.
I was in upstate ny for christmas now i am in westchester. my phone charger is in brooklyn. there are people i should to try to contact despite this.
No more decorating cookies after christmas; i need another job again.
hip hip hooray is playing with don lennon (and I think indian style?) the day before new years. it should be very special.
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| guess what this is a list of |
[14 Dec 2006|05:09am] |
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candles
santa claus
jesus
fruit
people hugging
tiny happy faces
presents
snowflakes
candycorns
three legged dogs with unicorn horns
people hugging
people who don't know where to put it
long noses
nooses
princesses
crying
servants
clever birds
sphaghetti
clouds
crowns
fences
bandaids
cauldrons
sandwiches
arrows
gold
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[08 Dec 2006|08:33pm] |
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mood |
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suddenly very awkward |
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So the way my life goes right now is I have a job where I decorate christmas themed cookies, go home and proceede to draw more pictures of santa claus, then go to my other job, where over the course of two (1 1/2) days I scan about 220 small paintings, go home read about santa claus on wikipedia and draw more pictures of santa claus, then go to my other job--this what I had believed to be an unchristmas-related job! I don't know who I thought I was kidding about that, considering we do listen to an awful lot of jesus christ superstar there, but today at work I spent most of the day designing and making christmas ornaments for a christmas tree decorating party my boss is going to. Which was awesome, usually at this job and the cookie decorating job I do repetitive work all day with no or very few creative decisions, but every so often I get told I can pretty much do whatever I want and it's fun fun fun. At those times, it strikes me as very strange and somehow wrong that I am getting paid. it isn't though. Just sort of rediculous.
Oh. and I found out about Red Bean Cakes today. You should eat one sometime if you haven't yet. it's just like a baby minus all of the things that make a baby human. Except skin. It is a lot like human skin.
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[21 Nov 2006|12:09am] |
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the magnetic fields |
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the thing about not being in school anymore is there's less time to think. I mean, there's less time to do everything, but, because of that, knowing what the fuck I'm doing gets pushed into the background just a little bit more, and it's allright. Allright in the way that being a zombie that makes things is. and then stepping back and laughing. So. the moral of this story is that when you are not feeling confident, proceede as if you are, unless of course you are dealing with any kind of military power. And, make the best of what little shreds of your mind you have left. they will get you somewhere! It isn't being a zombie really I'm just not thinking in words so much. other ways; it makes communicating difficult. And figuring out how to navigate little shreds.
I got a job in a bakery decorating cookies. Which rules because I'm fucking decorating cookies all day, but doesn't rule because squeezing bags of icing for hours hurts my hands. but then I'm looking at a tray of festively decorated turkey cookies. like a flock of them. and pumpkins and leaves and acorns and zebras, and indians, and dog cookies, after the day I made dog cookies I kept drawing pictures of them on my own, because I had learned how. and I'm almost the only one there who doesn't speak spanish, and I try to understand but only little pieces, and feel like a minority--up until this point I've just been working with/for artists mostly, which means spending time alone and also dealing with people who are a bit awkward/generally conduct themselves in ways that feel familiar to me, and it's good to get out of that sort of environment for a bit. Still working for Karl Jensen though, and that way of working as well as the cookie job is creeping it's way into the things I do when I get home. or rather, and weirder I think, I was drawing pictures of acorns *before* it was my job to make acorn cookies. But I guess that's fall for you. and living in a magic unicorn infested fairy wonderland. gosh. I almost forgot to tell you Ive been thinking about unicorns kind of a lot, but that isn't really anything new.
Lately in general I've been meeting people who don't seem to be very shy at all, and it surprises me.
oh. and I haven't gotten any mail at all since I moved here, despite the fact that ive been expecting several things that are important to me for a spectrum of reasons, personal reasons and financial reasons and wtf! where is my mail going? I don't understand it.
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[09 Nov 2006|10:18am] |
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having dreams that involve the internet always feels really wrong to me.
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[25 Oct 2006|09:45pm] |
Using the internet for the first time in a few days, and was hit by a bunch of kinds of messages that made me worry about not having a soul, or having a shrinking soul. I wish I was better at caring about people and being interested in people, I mean, the engaging parts of people are sometimes hard to get to and it can be easier to have fun alone. I tend to want human interaction not for it's own sake but just because i don't want to be lonely, a condition that to me seems to have little to do with being alone. Or rather, to grossly oversimpify things, I don't want friends I just don't want to be lonely. The way I proccess emotions can be pretty bizzare, unphased when I lose my wallet or am let go from a job (I have 2 now instead of 3; they ran out of money to pay me) but panicking because i really want pizza. Or, inside my head i will think i do not feel upset about something although my actions clearly indicate otherwise.
There were people who were good influences who I miss. I miss good influences. Not that there aren't others. I probably just need to ask people more questions, and remember not to assume that I am unwanted everywhere.
I have less time for making things now and it is very important to me that I keep making things and now as I'm writing it down, I wonder, should it be? This week I've been cat sitting and recording music in this person's empty house. Making little epic retarded songs with garageband, and talking to this woman's cats sometimes. I like cats, I miss my parent's cat. but I'm glad I don't live there, certainly.
So, there is going to work and there is making things, and then where does one find time to take in information as well? That third thing is the one I naturally have trouble with. Looking up from little retarded epic garageband songs and remembering that my life is so much smaller than the world. And there is the radio and there are books on tape and there is youtube, and looking at people on the train, and in the elevator at work, and sometimes having conversations, and sometimes my roomates saying lets go watch the band that just borrowed jessis caepo and is playing across the street, which is good because I didn't know how to end this post otherwise
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[06 Oct 2006|12:29am] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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my life is very weird right now.
I am very glad to have moved somewhere. and here specifically, I think. I feel less weighed down, I mean I'm not panicking and things happen and happen and it is the middle ages but also a polish nightclub that plays techno music all the time and then you are on public access tv. for real, both of those things happen tonight!
I am not going to proccess the last few hours just yet if ever. I always only want to post on livejournal when I'm too tired to explain it right.
I got a cat sitting job today.
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